I had a dream

About being happy. All my friends were near me, we could watch movies or play games together whenever we felt like it. And I was with someone special... it was wonderful to lie in his arms and be loved and cherished. I remember lying in a huge bed, with the sheets and blankets all tangled up around us. A lot of the details are fading, but I remember being happy and scared it wouldn't last.

So I'm in a conundrum this morning. I see a pattern. It's becoming a cycle. And we've tried to break the pattern, but now the attempt to break the pattern is becoming a part of the cycle. I don't want to lose this person. The thought of losing him makes me very unhappy. But at the same time, there's all these reasons we keep trying to stay apart. It's too complicated, we don't have the same goals, our personalities are very different, etc. etc. And at the same time, I love being around him, I love talking to to him. When I have the opportunity, I love touching him and being touched by him. And I don't need him just for the attention, because there are others who tell me I'm beautiful and special. And he's going through some things himself, and I want to be there and help him as a friend.

I find myself wondering if the way to break the pattern is to just suck up my fear, and give it a real try. But I know we're both afraid we'll just fall into a different pattern then, and maybe we'd be content, and neither of us would be looking for the person who will make us truly happy, the person we're meant to spend our lives with. Maybe though, we need to look at why we are continuously drawn back together, rather than all the reasons we try to stay just friends and not more.

Having an oooh, kitty moment: It's Fall. Officially tomorrow, but the temperature at night and the falling leaves in my driveway tells me it's here. In the Wheel of the Year, it's a time for endings making way for new beginnings. It always reminds me of a specific new beginning, the start of the school year. Samhain will be here before I know it. Maybe I can get some good advice then.

Back to the original topic: My wisest counselors are telling me not to jump into things with this friend. I need to respect the decisions he's making for himself and give him space to figure out what he wants. And I fear him wanting me almost as much as I fear him NOT wanting me...

Merry Part and Blessed Be

Blogging up a storm

I think I'm on a pretty good run here folks. Not quite daily, but frequent.

I wanted to share an entertaining thought the other day. I always thought I would love to work as a phone sex operator. Sex is something I know a lot about, and I think it would be great to shape another person's fantasy.

Then I realized an even better job -- being a quality control monitor for a phone sex business. :-)

Do you think phone sex lines have the recording that says "This call may be recorded for quality assurance?"

Harriet is picking me up for work this morning, as we are having problems with the Tempo. I need to call Fairway Ford this AM to try to set up an appointment. Yesterday at work, someone had to come save me from Pizza Napoli. That's what I get for indulging my taco craving.

Gotta be ready to meet Harriet, Merry Part and Blessed Be!

I wish it were fall already

I know it was officially Fall yesterday, and Happy Mabon/2nd Harvest/Autumn Equinox to all. But I wish the weather would act like it. I want to wear sweaters and drink tea and bundle up. But it's going to be in the low 70's again today. I want to find one of those long sweater coats to wear to work. I almost got one at Burlington two Saturdays ago, but the sleeves were too short. Not a three quarter length either, just too short to cover my bony little wrists.

I am going to work out today. I know instead of bitching about the nice weather I should take a walk, but if I do that I'll be gone longer than expected. I also have things I need to accomplish around the house this morning. So it will be Yoga, and maybe belly-dance too if I'm feeling froggy. Although if I overdo it, I won't be able to work out Friday, so it would probably be wiser just to do one or the other. I need the endorphins from the exercise. I've been having a hard time getting up in the morning lately and work is stressing me out. We're going to have training after training until almost Christmas to handle the expected call volume for AJ Prindle. So I know I am just a touch depressed, I recognize the symptoms. I just need to get off my ass and do something about it. When exercise is a regular part of my routine, I don't feel like this. I also need to get some writing done. The story I want to submit is due by October 1st, and I don't know what has happened to September. I know how I want the story to end, I just need to actually make myself sit down and finish it. I hope writing this nice long blog entry has kick started my creative juices this morning.

Mmm Juice... gotta go get something to drink, then get started. Working 12:30-9 PM today. My friend Harriet will be talking to customers for the first time today, so I will be excited to hear about that when I get to work.

Merry Part and Blessed Be!