I had a dream

About being happy. All my friends were near me, we could watch movies or play games together whenever we felt like it. And I was with someone special... it was wonderful to lie in his arms and be loved and cherished. I remember lying in a huge bed, with the sheets and blankets all tangled up around us. A lot of the details are fading, but I remember being happy and scared it wouldn't last.

So I'm in a conundrum this morning. I see a pattern. It's becoming a cycle. And we've tried to break the pattern, but now the attempt to break the pattern is becoming a part of the cycle. I don't want to lose this person. The thought of losing him makes me very unhappy. But at the same time, there's all these reasons we keep trying to stay apart. It's too complicated, we don't have the same goals, our personalities are very different, etc. etc. And at the same time, I love being around him, I love talking to to him. When I have the opportunity, I love touching him and being touched by him. And I don't need him just for the attention, because there are others who tell me I'm beautiful and special. And he's going through some things himself, and I want to be there and help him as a friend.

I find myself wondering if the way to break the pattern is to just suck up my fear, and give it a real try. But I know we're both afraid we'll just fall into a different pattern then, and maybe we'd be content, and neither of us would be looking for the person who will make us truly happy, the person we're meant to spend our lives with. Maybe though, we need to look at why we are continuously drawn back together, rather than all the reasons we try to stay just friends and not more.

Having an oooh, kitty moment: It's Fall. Officially tomorrow, but the temperature at night and the falling leaves in my driveway tells me it's here. In the Wheel of the Year, it's a time for endings making way for new beginnings. It always reminds me of a specific new beginning, the start of the school year. Samhain will be here before I know it. Maybe I can get some good advice then.

Back to the original topic: My wisest counselors are telling me not to jump into things with this friend. I need to respect the decisions he's making for himself and give him space to figure out what he wants. And I fear him wanting me almost as much as I fear him NOT wanting me...

Merry Part and Blessed Be